Bori goes to Holland

This evening, I was watching tv. You know, unwinding at the end of the day.

I got up to do something and while doing so, I suddenly burst into singing ‘Mad world’ from Gary Jules.

That’s not a big surprise. I’ve always loved this song and sing it from time to time.

As I was walking around looking for something, I noticed that my voice echoed through the hallway of the empty apartement. I slowed my steps down, and at one point I just stopped the walking overall and I was paying attention to nothing but my singing, my voice filling the air around me.

‘And I find it kinda funny, I find it kinda sad

The dreams in which I’m dying are the best I’ve ever had

I find it hard to tell you, I find it hard to take

When people run in circles it’s a very very..’

Once I was done, I started over again. I was paying attention only to the words and the sounds that I was making.

‘And I find it kinda funny, I find it kinda sad

The dreams in which I’m dying are the best I’ve ever had’

I started to sing slower, because the more I was paying attention to the words, the more I started choking with tears.

‘I find it hard to tell you, I find it hard to take’

Tears ran down my cheeks.

‘When people run in circles it’s a very very..’

I put my hands on my face to cover my eyes, and silently wept.

‘Mad world.’

I whispered it into my hands. ‘Mad world’.

At this point I thought I’m probably mad myself. I was alone with my voice, and yet haunted by millions of my thoughts.

I felt like suddenly I could feel all the pain in the world. Or I was so empty that it hurt.

I couldn’t tell.

I felt like life is so heavy that I can’t take it. Or that it is so light that I might just float away.

I couldn’t tell.

I felt like everything matters so much that there’s no way we won’t screw up stuff. Or that everything matters so little that none of it makes a difference.

I couldn’t tell.

I felt like this song means so much. Or it means nothing and we all just hear whatever we want to hear.

I couldn’t tell.

I felt like I can and want to do it all. Or that I accepted that I won’t be able to do any of it.

I couldn't tell.

I felt like I understand everything. Or that I have just accepted that I don’t understand anything.

I couldn't tell.

I sat down. I wanted to share it. With everyone.

Share what? With whom?

The feeling. I wanted to write it down. To sing it. To dance it. To yell it out.

To somehow save it.

How do you save a feeling?

Can you save a feeling in a blogpost?